this is my teenage dream

i woke up at 9.30am on a saturday morning and felt a bit lost. i didn't know what to do with so much time on my hands till the open house and honestly, it's now 10.53am and i still don't know what to do. i've actually been youtubing crappy videos online and i'm stalking people on fb to see if they use shoulder pads in the baju kurungs coz mine makes me look like a slightly more feminine purple robocop AND it has sequins on it. i mean is it too much to have sequins on a kurung? as you can see, i'm a tad insecure about my baju kurung now. shit. =\

ok there's something i've been wanting to get out there for quite a while now. a few days ago, it was Malaysia Day. i think it was the first time it was properly celebrated and the people were given a National Holiday. i actually thought it was pretty nice of the government to actually celebrate Malaysia Day properly and honestly speaking, it WAS about time considering we wouldn't be the Malaysia we are today without Sabah and Sarawak, though i'm sure somehow some people are using it as a political ploy to gather votes. if only life wasn't always about politics and self-gain when it comes to these things.

so anyway, at this point of time, i'm a bit fed up of being made to feel guilty everytime i profess my love for my country. if only i had a dollar for everytime i'm shot down when i tell people i actually love Malaysia. it's not like i'm not pissed off at the way the country is run or how we're made to feel like second-class citizens most of the time. there are things i don't like about Malaysia of course. i don't like how everything has a quota and how deserving students are denied opportunities regardless of race sometimes. i think the whole "if you know someone on the inside everything boleh" mentality when it comes to scholarships is crap because people who can afford it are usually the ones getting all these scholarships and those who can't are left uneducated or paying through their nose for loans they can't afford. honestly, HOW IS IT the government cannot afford to give out more scholarships and are therefore cutting the amount given out considerably but YET they can afford to pay millions for the new istana? i mean seriously, does the royal family REALLY need a new abode? =.= then there's the whole issue about special rights and blablabla.

so yea, i get pissed too but i don't think the ONLY thing the country is good for is the food. we're so much more than just our gastronomic offerings. sure, there are more things to be pissed off at then being proud of most of the time. i just feel that sometimes people who say they hate malaysia are seeing things from only one perspective. of course, this is all personal opinion. John F. Kennedy once said "ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country". but then again, if the country doesn't provide for the people and make the people feel snubbed half the time, then i guess it doesn't really apply. SEE. this is why i put off writing about this because i'm contradicting myself, as i usually do. on one hand, i feel patriotic and all this pride for my country but at the same time, i feel pissed off at all the propagandas and missed opportunities that comes with not being of the "right" race. honestly, i feel like a traitor for loving malaysia sometimes. a typical scenario would be me going " i actually like malaysia and it's home" followed by people going " malaysia sucks la.", "malaysia damn useless" blablabla. then when people say singapore is so much better off because they're government is so much better, i get offended but what's there to defend? in a way it's true but it's like people trashing someone you hold dear and eventhough you know they're right, you defend that person.

i'm just really frustrated. it's true Malaysia is not all it's cracked up to be,where race-ridden and dirty politics are prevalent. BUT? i don't even know what's my "but". is there even a "but"? i guess there're no proper explanations to why i love my country. it just occured to me that it's now my generation's turn to step up. unfortunately, i think most of my generation harbors the racism, frustration and bitterness of the previous generation which of course, does nothing for the country. i remember asking a friend why she wasn't going to go to another country to work or what not and she said " if everyone leaves the sinking boat, who's going to stay, to row and save it?" if as a generation we create another racist and frustrated generation, doesn't that make descend into chaos all the more inevitable?

i am grateful that i've never had to experience a war, that i've never been taught to crouch under tables in the fear of having buildings collapse during an earthquake, that there aren't any political riots or any huge riots for that matter, that not all the people in my generation want to jump ship the minute a door opens. i don't actually believe that i'm the only one who believes in Malaysia and it's potential but i was told i was just someone who probably had more faith than everyone else. i don't know la. i just want to be able to say i love my country without being made to feel guilty or like i've betrayed my race. maybe it's because i'm still young and not even half as jaded as everyone else. screw it. it's a free world and i'm allowed to love Malaysia as much as i want and i don't think i deserve to be shot down just because i don't believe in hating her. so yea, i guess i'll just have to deal with the guilt on my own and continue believing that someday more people will love than hate Malaysia.